S1E6 - Feeling the Feels
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[00:00:00] Welcome
[00:00:05] to Divergent Wisdom Broadcast, where curiosity reveals the endless aspects of convergence between science and spirituality. Join me, Doc Sibson, as we explore new perspectives with our guests, bridging the space between worlds to discover paradigm shifting common ground. It's time to get rebellious.
[00:00:32] Doc Sibson: Hello and welcome back to this episode of Divergent Wisdom Broadcast. I am your host, Dr. Sarah Sibson, and today I wanted to talk to you about emotions and emotions in the context of what that experience is like as a neurodivergent person.
[00:00:56] And while everyone experiences them, we all experience them differently and it is a very individual conversation to be having, there are some real themes that are different for neurodivergent folks compared to my understanding of what it's like to be a neurotypical and have emotions. Not that I've had that experience myself.
[00:01:26] But it feels like it's a really important distinction to understand, because it is an area that is overlooked a lot when it comes to our understanding of neurodivergent brains and how the experience of life is with one. It's not necessarily recognised well in any of the diagnostic criteria, the assessment measures.
[00:02:03] It's only in recent years that there's been much focus on the emotional experience of a neurodivergent person at all. Because if you're thinking about that type of brain as a pathology, then it's no real surprise that people aren't trying to understand someone's emotions in that context, because they're just trying to fix them. Which we all know, at least I hope we do, if we're listening to this, that that is not what we're aiming for. Certainly not around here.
[00:02:41] It is better understanding and acceptance and embracing the elements of us that are different, and sometimes more challenging. And it doesn't necessarily mean we have to love that those things are happening. It doesn't mean that we have to be glad that they're happening. It's more that it's an acceptance and a recognition that it is difficult, and it's okay that it is difficult.
[00:03:15] It is not something that has to be any other way, purely for the sake of trying to do it the way you have been told you're supposed to. So that's a whole bunch of non-specifics. I think it'll probably help to speak more specifically about it so I can show you what I mean. And I would also like to point out that this area is going to be particularly important for women, and people who identify as women, and those who have been assigned female at birth, that this experience of all of this has an extra powerful layer to it.
[00:04:01] Because, our experience of emotions in our society and our world, and how we express them, is expected to be very different to the people who are male or identify as male- move through the world as men. And the expectations placed on them have different burdens that they are then carrying, particularly when it comes to being a neurodivergent man.
[00:04:31] So, while I fully recognise that there are elements that are unique to having a male gender and being neurodivergent, that's not something that I personally have experienced. So any references to gender in today's discussion are going to be more in relationship to what I do know about. Let's dive in.
[00:04:56] I would like to highlight that it is a really common foray into this subject to start talking about the highly sensitive person. And I had to resist very strongly then to not put my hands up and use some air quotes because, um, that, while I recognise can be something that people identify with, it also has an undertone of judgment, of value, assigned to those words. And saying that
[00:05:34] Doc Sibson: to feel things strongly, to have big emotions, to be a sensitive person is somehow not okay. Or to have that larger experience of that is abnormal or something to be set apart. And I think that really talks to where we are as a society in general in the Western world about how not okay it is to feel your emotions in general. But when you are someone that feels things to a great extent, and identifies with that highly sensitive label or has been given it by others- whether or not you identify with it- then there's a whole extra component to thinking about how you're feeling.
[00:06:29] So, while ultimately I would love to move to a place where we didn't have to think about our feelings at all, we could just feel them- we're not quite there yet. And when it comes to this, if you're bringing your awareness to your emotions and how you feel, then chances are, there's going to be elements of the "how big", "how, too much" is it?
[00:06:55] "How extra" is it? Um, I know I have been called extra, on occasion! And usually in a loving way from someone that I really care about, so it's a different conversation, but I am sure there are people out there who are neurodivergent who have had those moments where they have had an overwhelming emotion, and expressed it, and been told that they were extra for purely expressing how they were feeling.
[00:07:26] And that is what I would really love to bring some more awareness to so that there can be more understanding and more acceptance. And not just acceptance from others, but in particular acceptance from yourself- about all of it. There is no one right or wrong amplitude to having an emotion. That's just, when you say it like that, it seems like a pretty ridiculous concept, right?
[00:07:56] No, you're only allowed this much happy. If you do that much happy, it's too much. Like, it's a bit, yeah... uh, it can stand out a little bit more if you change your perspective and how you look at something. If you are someone that has experienced these moments of huge emotion, whether it's joy or excitement or anger or frustration or envy or
[00:08:31] sorrow- anything, anything that, might be on the full normal range of emotions. If you've experienced those and felt like they were consuming you, then first of all, that doesn't mean there's anything wrong necessarily. It just means that that was your experience in the moment.
[00:08:58] There are so many things that go into creating an emotion and these scenarios that create a certain feeling, a certain amplitude, a certain response in you could be repeated exactly as they were, and then based on who you are when it happens
[00:09:23] can change the whole experience again. So it's chasing a
[00:09:29] ghost. It's chasing a unachievable ideal if you're trying to set yourself things that are okay or allowed to feel. And that's how we get into trouble in the first place is limiting what's allowed when it comes to your feelings. And I wish that all of us, all humans, were given a little bit more grace and more opportunity to actually feel what we're feeling as it's happening. And for that to be okay. Because then, when those things are happening, we're able to express them more maturely and more openly and
[00:10:16] have situations play themselves out as they are developing- instead of what is a really common occurrence for neurodivergent brains, particularly females, to have interactions, and have it go whatever way it went, and not feel safe or able to express yourself and how you're feeling in the moment.
[00:10:43] And then find that your brain, your system, then wants to play that on repeat for, Oh, if you're lucky the next couple of days- if you're unlucky, the next few weeks to months, if it's something big, the next few years. It's how we get trapped in these cycles of thinking about our feelings instead of feeling our feelings like they're meant to be.
[00:11:10] And when your brain is doing that, instead of the rest of you, instead of your rest of your nervous system, then it tells your body that those things are happening again. Because your body doesn't know any different. It just gets the input and behaves accordingly. So if you're stuck in a thought loop about how you felt at the time, it's replaying that, but it's not necessarily getting anywhere because it's not moving through it. It's not actually experiencing it, it's thinking about it.
[00:11:53] And that is, I think, a large part of why we, as neurodivergent women, are diagnosed with anxiety wrongly, and diagnosed with depression wrongly- because that's what our systems are doing. And it's no wonder that you feel anxious, if you're trapped in a thought loop, not feeling those feelings and just having the same experience over and over and over again, without understanding how to get yourself out of it- or being shown or helped to get out of it.
[00:12:28] And that's not to say that there aren't neurodivergent people that also experience anxiety outside of a situation like that, or also experience depression and low mood. And I don't necessarily think that they are mutually exclusive understandings of your experience. I just really want to caution you as the individual, and if you're a provider listening, to not end up at that conclusion without actually looking at it.
[00:13:04] And looking at it, as much as you can, without all those added layers of assumption about what's happening. Because I expect that a lot of you listening probably have a collection of mental health labels that have been of varying use and have felt right or wrong, you know, depending on your own experience.
[00:13:29] But, for someone to get to understanding their neurodivergence, particularly as a woman in the world,
[00:13:38] is exponentially more challenging, I find, because of all of the systems and structures that lead to that conclusion. And all of the gendered elements that go with it. Not only that, but this element of strong, big, powerful emotions, whatever those emotions might be, seems to be more common an experience for neurodivergent people that are women.
[00:14:14] It seems to be a predominant part of their experience of their Spiciness, much more so than has been understood before. And that lack of recognition and understanding has really crippled our ability to understand ourselves and recognise that those huge feelings are very likely linked to how our brains are wired.
[00:14:41] And not just because someone's being dramatic or hysterical. Oh God, I love that word. Or any of the other gendered bullshit that we've been piled on with over the years about having feelings and expressing them.
[00:14:57] this has turned into a giant rant. As you can tell, it is something that is very frustrating for me. And I don't
[00:15:09] really know how we're going to move out of that blindered concept of emotion in the frame of neurodivergence to incorporate that into our understanding of what it means to be Spicy. Because there are some things that have made it really easily into the public understanding.
[00:15:35] And then there are things like this, which- still working on it. So, if that's you, and you feel like your experience of your emotions is significant. If you feel like "highly sensitive" is something that has felt right for you. Or even if you feel like that's not necessarily the case all the time, but more that your emotions flick right up and right down and have a rapid
[00:16:12] change associated with them that can surprise you, that can surprise others- then this is probably a component of what's going on. And I would hazard a guess that it's likely to be related to your neurotype, not any of the other things that could be laden with judgment that other people might've thrown your way, or you might've thrown your own way.
[00:16:37] I know that's certainly a huge part of my experience with all of this. I
[00:16:43] can keep my shit together when I need to, but there are people, and my dear darling doggies, that I feel really safe around- and they're the ones who end up copping it. Ooh, look, here's an emotion.
[00:17:03] And it's still something that
[00:17:06] is hard to experience, because it can hurt if you hurt people you care about.
[00:17:13] So there you go- an example of me walking my talk.
[00:17:20] It can really, really seep into every aspect of your life without you ever realising it. So you may set out to be a kind, caring person and find that you're confronted with things that provoke these big emotions in you and you feel like they get out of hand. And you can't keep them at the level where you intend to or
[00:17:49] express them in a way that is helpful and not hurtful. And until you have some space and some grace and some understanding for yourself about why it's even happening at all, then it can feel really impossible to do anything different than that.
[00:18:09] But I promise it is possible.
[00:18:12] It's not easy, especially when we have all of those other happenings going on in our brain, that other episodes have spoken about, because they result in us landing in a position that we never would have intended or chosen if we were aware of all of the things that led us there. So it's not until you start unpacking all of that and having a better understanding of how your brain is landing in those places, and therefore how those emotions are being prompted- or how emotions prompt your actions and therefore other downstream consequences- then
[00:18:59] it can be a real fight to see any progress. So my one, number one big piece of advice about all of this is the advice that I was given when I was very first starting my own process with my coach and that is to feel my feelings. Not to try and control them. Not to try and think about them, and think about feeling or how you might feel, but to actually, really, truly feel them in your whole system. And let them express as they intend to express themselves, because it really feels like it's an entirely different entity sometimes.
[00:19:51] And for me, that looks like- when it's safe, I'm not saying do this all the time, no matter what, straight away, but when it is safe and when you feel able- when you notice an emotion coming up, instead of starting to think about it and saying, "Oh, what's that? Oh, I wonder what that is. I wonder why I'm feeling that way.
[00:20:15] I wonder why it's this big? Maybe I should feel it less?" All that kind of stuff. Instead of doing that, just let it happen.
[00:20:24] And I can hear people saying, "Oh, it's never going to end. They're huge. They feel bigger than anything I could handle. They go on forever. They have no way to shut them down."
[00:20:41] When we're working in that old approach and thinking about them and trying to control them, then absolutely. That's exactly the loops I was talking about that you get stuck in. And rarely, rarely will you find yourself getting out of one of those by thinking about it.
[00:21:00] It is
[00:21:02] the ability to let it be, let it move through you, your whole body, all the sensations that happen with it, and let that wave subside. Because if you're doing that, instead of letting your brain get in the way and short circuit the process, that is when it moves through, and that is when it settles down, and it's not quite so overpowering.
[00:21:31] And you actually get a chance to process what it's trying to tell you instead of stuffing it away somewhere to maybe one day get looked at.
[00:21:47] And if you're able to do that, then it doesn't last that long.
[00:21:53] The information I've seen about it is that emotions, feelings truly felt, in the moment and allowed to run their course, don't last more than 90 seconds.
[00:22:06] If you think that you can handle the thing that is coming up for 90 seconds, then I would encourage you to give it a go.
[00:22:17] And it may abate and come back again, especially if you get stuck into the thinking part of it. But every time you're able to do that, every time you're able to ride it through, then it loses its power and its strength to define and dictate what you do. And land you in places that you didn't mean to be.
[00:22:45] By ignoring them, and trying to not feel our feelings, it's usually what's ending us up in strife in the first place. So this is not an entry level, try it on your first day kind of tactic to employ, particularly if you're not feeling like you're supported in your life. But if you feel like you have the ability to look at this, then honestly, it's been the most transformative for me in my own experience. And it really helps to trust yourself to experience whatever experience comes up,
[00:23:37] and know that you can handle it, because you've done this before- whatever it is. And you weren't consumed by it. You weren't overpowered by it. And ultimately you came out the other side with a new knowledge and wisdom about yourself and your capabilities. So then, makes some of the thinking stuff and unpacking all of that, that little bit easier because you know whatever you encounter as you're doing that process, whatever it provokes or evokes in you, then you know you can handle it.
[00:24:16] And some days are really not the days to do that really crunchy emotional work. Takes some knowing about yourself to pick and choose. And it's also okay to say, "Not today, I will come back to it", or "Not right now, I will come back to it." It's just that when we do that over and over, and the coming back to it doesn't happen for weeks, months, years-
[00:24:46] that's when we create a whole bunch of other problems for ourself. I could talk about this in great detail for quite a long time, and I can already see that I've been at it for a while. I will leave the concept there and will just encourage you to even start clocking what you think your emotions and feelings are as a really good dipping of your toe into that emotional well, to see how all of that is traveling for you.
[00:25:25] And if you feel like you are at a point where you want to do some of the next level stuff, then amazing. I'm super proud of you. That is so good. And if you feel like I am someone that might be a great person to have walking beside you while you're doing that, then I would love for it to be me. Because that is the most crucial thing that I can think of
[00:25:56] when it comes to this step- is having someone who cares. Who is not going to judge you, who is going to accept your apology when it's heartfelt, and be there beside you, as you walk this part of your path. So thanks for sticking with me and going through that bumpy ride- which I didn't necessarily anticipate the full breadth of it for myself, but there we go.
[00:26:24] And I hope that you are finding some benefit from our time spent together. So until the next one.
[00:26:33] Thank you for expanding with us on Divergent Wisdom Broadcast. We deeply appreciate the contribution of your time and attention to our shared adventure. If today's discussion resonated with you, we'd love to hear your thoughts, revelations, and experiences in the comments. Please take a moment to subscribe and share us with your cosmic crew.
[00:27:00] And remember, We're all made of the same stardust.
