S1E4 (new) - Unmasking Authenticity
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[00:00:00] Welcome to Divergent Wisdom Broadcast, where curiosity reveals the endless aspects of convergence between science and spirituality. Join me, Doc Simpson, as we explore new perspectives with our guests, bridging the space between worlds to discover paradigm shifting common ground. It's time to get rebellious.
[00:00:31] Doc Sibson: Hello, fellow adventurers. I'm so glad that you are joining us again today for this new installment of Divergent Wisdom Broadcast. And I know at the end of the last episode, I promised you a guest or something different, at least, I can't remember the exact phrasing- but as often happens, life got lifey.
[00:01:00] And the best laid plans have ended up falling in a giant heap at the very last minute. So, as much as I would love to be able to share that conversation with you, the technology gods have decided that that's not happening yet. So in its place, you get me again! And hopefully you are starting to see
[00:01:31] little inklings of change and difference in your own day to day life after listening to previous episodes and starting to implement some of those concepts and approaches in your own life. I am assuming that you did that because, of course you did. You're brave. You're awesome. And today is another opportunity to talk about an element that I feel like pretty much every neurodivergent person will understand.
[00:02:09] That's a pretty bold statement. I would say that there's very little that unifies absolutely everybody across a group of people. But in this instance, I would say it's a pretty safe bet that at least at some stage in your life, as a Spicy person, you will have presented a illusion or a hologram to the outside world that was a construction, whether or not you're conscious of it, but that it was a image or a way of speaking or a way of behaving or a way of moving through the world that you on some level felt was expected.
[00:03:01] But didn't necessarily ring true for you, nor would it have been what you had chosen if you were given the opportunity. So that conversation is extremely common in all sorts of circles in general. Usually, we talk about masking as the main way to describe it. And I think that that's a very accurate descriptor, because it is pretty much putting on some sort of mask of some description to meet expectations of others, not for yourself.
[00:03:41] And it doesn't necessarily have to be a visual thing. I know masking and the connotations that it comes with are things like,
[00:03:54] costume masks and theatrical masks and,
[00:03:59] any, any kind of mask. Very visual concept. And that certainly can be an element of how that kind of illusion shows up in the world. And it's a very common one, because that's how people gauge each other, gain information about each other, interact with each other. And for that to not meet expectations is a surefire way for someone to notice
[00:04:33] that you don't fit into a box, for lack of a better way to describe it. It is part of our brains where we instinctually are scanning the our environment for patterns and for hints. For recognition and categorization and ways to determine whether or not something is safe or unsafe, or predictable or unpredictable.
[00:05:02] All sorts of ways that our brain is actually designed to work, which is to very quickly process that kind of information and label it and use that categorized input to help us decide what to do, all in fractions of seconds. So I find one of the most obvious ways that we, as neurodivergent people, end up creating an illusion as we move through the world is
[00:05:38] the ways that we can alter those, I don't wanna say snap judgments because they're not necessarily conscious- they're not choices that people are making about us or us about them.
[00:05:48] No amazing way to say it, but we know on some level that that is what's happening. We know that from our own experiences. And so if we want to pass as a neurotypical person in an environment, then there are things that we do to meet those expectations and get categorized by other people's brains into the 'As expected' box. So that we get filed that way, and get to move through our interaction with them, with that frame of reference for the other person.
[00:06:26] And there are so many reasons that that happens that we either choose to, or don't choose to do those things. And most of the time it's because fitting into the expected category means that there's less friction, there's less challenge from others. There's less resistance to you being you in that space.
[00:07:02] It may not be the true you, but at least you get to be there. There's less
[00:07:10] kind of instinctual resistance, um, pushback, I would say, to people that fit into the expected category, as filed by our brains. And it's not necessarily that the person is consciously choosing to be nicer or less of a jerk. It's just that their brain's telling them that you're not a threat because you're doing what's expected.
[00:07:39] So we can just let you go about your day and do whatever you're doing. Whereas, when people notice difference or something that stands out, particularly in that filtering system, then it brings it closer to the awareness and then people start to think about, "Oh, okay, well, why is that different? What's that information telling me?"
[00:08:01] "What's my brain trying to signal me about that other person that doesn't fit what it was expecting, and therefore needs me to register as different." Or as A threat, if we're talking about biology, like base biology, survival stuff. And then those differences are the things that filter up to the awareness of the other person.
[00:08:30] And so if you have a difference that stands out to someone, then that is more likely to be focused on, than the way that you are the same,
[00:08:40] which really sucks, because we are social creatures. Humans are wired to be with other humans, and be in community, and be supported, and be cared for. And those things, that feedback to us, is what helps us regulate our systems. It's what helps keep our nervous systems in balance, and settled, and at peace.
[00:09:14] So, even if you don't know that consciously, about what that feedback does to your own system and your own processes, chances are there's a layer of that that's been influencing why you are turning up different in the world. Because you have found over time that when you do the things that fall in the 'expected' box, then you get feedback from other people that helps you feel better.
[00:09:41] Helps you feel more relaxed. Helps you feel more able to participate in those spaces and continue to be categorized as 'expected'. And there are so many reasons that that is a very normal thing to seek. And it is not, in any way from me, a judgment about doing that, because we all do it. Every single human.
[00:10:06] Not just the spicy ones. That is
[00:10:11] the very interesting point that this thread brings me to, is that that's where we do differ. Because my next thought was that humans seek that peace and that ease to create community. And for the neurotypical ones, it's because the Inclusion in that community and being part of it is paramount. That is the goal.
[00:10:39] That is the thing that that brain type is wired to choose over and over again. And unfortunately, that can mean that it's really hard to go against the grain and do something different, and do something that gets you categorized as 'unexpected' because it is so, so core to how a neurotypical system
[00:11:03] is designed to function for safety. To be in community, remain in the village, and be protected by your peers. And the flip side of having a NeuroSpicy brain in this particular situation is a bit of a doubleedged sword. It means you are more likely to go against the grain because of all the various reasons that our brains are wired differently. It also means that your system is less dependent on that fear of being ostracized to make decisions, which is a really good thing when it boils down to innovation. And creativity and justice and altruism and exploration and invention, disruption of systems- all sorts of ways that neurodivergent brains are uniquely suited to participate in our society in a beneficial way.
[00:12:27] And that's why, on the long list of things that I think are wonderful about having our varied wiring, is that we can contribute those things. And aren't so bound by our biology, which is screaming at us to not be different. Because, while we are so, so likely to have taken steps to be categorized as expected and same, it's not necessarily because our systems, our bodies are wired to be same, if that makes sense.
[00:13:09] It's more the feedback that we get throughout our lives that tells us that we fall into the, "hmm, that wasn't what I thought was going to be happening" bucket for the brain. And then because we don't like what has come with that situation, then we choose, consciously or not, to do it differently next time.
[00:13:39] But it's not necessarily straight into the animal part of the brain that instinctually is saying, we are never doing that again for fear of those consequences that we're wired to avoid as a neurotypical person. So it can get really complicated. I probably have already confused you. But the point is that once you are aware that you're doing those things when you're moving around in the world, then it can be really unsettling because a lot of the time it has not been a decision that you've made willingly.
[00:14:27] It's been one that has happened out of learned experience and the desire for something to be different.
[00:14:38] It may mean that you are turning up in ways that you don't like when you look at them and realize that's what's happening. And that can be pretty upsetting. I think that's a large part of some of the grief that we experience when we realize that our brains are wired differently. Because of all those times where you can look back with that hindsight, and with that realization, and then understand why things played out the way they did. Why they felt so off, or so dissonant, and not right- because you were playing out one of these illusions without realizing it. Doing it because you
[00:15:27] Had learned that's what was expected, but it didn't sit right with you. And so without ever being able to understand how you're wired or ever able to understand that you are turning up with illusions, then it can just be this strange, vague feeling that something isn't right about you- how you're experiencing the world. But, the joy of realizing that that is what's happening means that you get to, same as the rest of it, start looking at how that is playing out for you. Where those masks are being put on, why, the things that trigger that instinct to put it on and behave different to what your natural way is, and it can also help to understand how they have been created, the situations that have prompted those things to happen over time.
[00:16:34] And again, awareness means that you are able to be conscious about choosing whether or not you doing those things. And it can be tough to pick apart why you might have chosen to put a mask on, or to engage a certain hologram over time. And it can therefore be tough to decide if you want to keep doing something, if you're not quite sure why it's happening in the first place.
[00:17:03] So I completely understand that this is a pretty big minefield to walk into and try and pick apart. But, as you're able to, one different mask at a time, then the closer you're able to get to who is really underneath all of those. And the closer you are to understanding who Is driving all of this. Because even though there may be mountains and mountains of different facades and kind of created identities that you move through the world with, that doesn't ever change who you are underneath them.
[00:17:53] That person is still there. That person is still you. Even if they feel unfamiliar and disconnected. Even if you feel like you've become some of those masks over time, they can still be taken off.
[00:18:10] The really ingrained, every-moment-of-every-day ones? That's the hard stuff. Without a doubt. It's not just gonna be tossed in the bin as soon as you realize what's happening. Those are the ones that feel like they need a bit of peeling to get rid of them. But then some of them are really straightforward.
[00:18:33] Like, me, looking into the camera directly the whole time I'm talking. Sure, I can fake comfortable eye contact. That's not a problem. That was a very ingrained requirement in a lot of my life to fit into the 'expected' box, but that's not necessarily comfortable for me. So, when I'm thinking, I tend to not do it, because I would rather be able to access how I generally, genuinely think and feel about something and use my mental energy to do that, rather than continue to look at a camera or a person.
[00:19:21] And it can be unnerving for people who expect continual eye contact when someone's talking, but it actually doesn't hurt anything. So, I think that's another key element of making these kinds of decisions once you're aware of the masks that you walk around with. Does it matter? What will be the likely outcomes if you decide to stop doing something? To stop wearing a particular mask.
[00:19:55] In some scenarios, it probably feels like that's not the best choice, because it can be related to safety, literal safety. And, in which case, no one would expect you to do that. And I hope you don't, because we don't want you to be unsafe. But when it's talking about stuff like eye contact, whatever, really, whatever. You know, other people might find it challenging to experience that from you.
[00:20:23] Because they're not used to it. It might make them feel uncomfortable- in their system- because they're so used to moving through their spaces with other people fitting into that 'expected' box. And not, probably ever, thinking about how hard it might be for someone to continue doing that, whatever the expectation is.
[00:20:47] And sure, it feels uncomfortable for them. Might feel weird. Might be too much for them, depending on what's going on in their lives, to sit with that discomfort. And they may choose not to, but that is on them and has zero to do with you and whether or not it's okay for you to be yourself.
[00:21:11] And that takes some learning to get to. A lot of learning sometimes, depending on what we're talking about, because the things that have been there as long as we can remember really do feel like us. And if someone Decides that they don't want to meet you where you are, and showing your genuine self, then it feels like a rejection of you.
[00:21:39] It feels like them choosing the illusion instead,
[00:21:42] which is pretty shitty,
[00:21:48] but it might not be conscious. It might not be them actively choosing "I like old you that you were pretending to be." It might just mean that in that moment, they aren't ready to look at whatever else it brings up for them in their own existence. It might have nothing to do with you. Might just be the thing that has brought up all their stuff, but it can still feel really personal.
[00:22:19] And I know that based on what we were talking about before with our stories and our criticisms, chances are any feedback like that is going to be interpreted by our library of stories- and the critic reading them- as being all about us. And having it be a unrecoverable judgment against us. I do realize that that is going to be the instinct, but if you know that going in, at least you'll be prepared for that.
[00:22:56] And you can tell the troll to go away when it happens and it takes practice. Like all of this stuff does. It's not going to be a decision that you make one day and then find that you don't have any more trouble with it, and any more resistance, because chances are, if you're an adult and you're using a mask or an illusion, then it has served you in some way that was a positive benefit when it was created, when you first started developing it.
[00:23:33] And if it's still being used, it may be out of habit. It could just be running on repeat without you realizing. But it may also still be beneficial in some ways. So it can be hard to turn it off. Because then that also means not accessing the benefits that it was providing you. And depending on what those benefits are, you might not be ready to give them up either.
[00:23:58] And that's okay. But if you're having this conversation with yourself about it, and deciding that it's worth continuing to run that illusion- the cost of running that for you is outweighed by the benefits that it provides you- then that's fine. That's your choice. There's nothing wrong with that. As long as it's you choosing that and not just doing it out of, uh, unconscious behavior learned over time or doing it
[00:24:33]
[00:24:33] Doc Sibson: to please others. If it's something to please you, then who am I or anyone else to say that that's wrong? Obviously within the bounds of our generally-accepted laws and morals, please. I think that's a fair caveat. But apart from that, what you choose to project and run on your holograms is up to you. I'd also like to point out that this is not me giving you a free pass to be a jackass.
[00:25:07] What this is is a free pass to stop being nice for the sake of being nice. That doesn't mean being unkind. Because being kind is different than being nice. Sometimes being kind can not feel very nice to the other person, but it is coming from a place of love and respect, rather than nice being the thing that creates that easy feeling for everyone.
[00:25:38] don't do stuff just because it's nice. But please do be kind when you're making your choices about what masks to wear and holograms to run. And I want to remind you that you, beautiful person, should be at the top of your own list when you're handing out that kindness.It feels like I've talked a lot about how this can all look, where it's come from. And I hope that as you start to realize what are masks and illusions in your life, you feel a little bit better equipped to start inspecting those and making choices about them. And know that you are not alone at all- amongst your spicy-brained community, and the rest of the general population of the planet, as far as I can tell.
[00:26:42] We are all doing this to some degree, and it seems to be a human thing. In particular, for us neurodivergent folks, and I would also like to take a moment to highlight the neurodivergent women and gender non conforming folks. You're going to be much, much more likely to be wearing these masks-
[00:27:11] and layers and layers and layers and layers of them- than our cisgendered male friends because of the Western societies that we have been brought up in. And that's just the way gender has played out in those environments. It's not necessarily a comment about who's had it harder. It's not a competition.
[00:27:37] I think it's all pretty crap- to have to walk around the world as someone that is not you, or feel like you have to. This is purely a mention to all of my sisters and people that don't fall into those expected categories when it comes to their gender. I see and appreciate you, and I know that there's this whole other element to this discussion that is specifically relevant to you.
[00:28:07] And if you choose to stop wearing those masks and running those illusions related to gender expectations, then
[00:28:19] you are incredible. Because that takes a bit extra commitment to do. For whatever reason, that is still a thing. In 2024, that is still a problem. To have your externally appearing gender and the expectations associated with it not match your behavior. No matter what your neurotype is.for those people that are living in that intersection of this fun stuff, I send you all of my understanding and heartfelt encouragement if you're looking at doing this and ditching some of those expectations.
[00:29:09] So on that pleasant note, I do hope that you, as I've been rambling on, have identified a mask or two that you are ready to get rid of. Because there's probably some sitting around, some low hanging fruit, that is just ready to be thrown in the bin. And I would absolutely love it if you walked away from this
[00:29:35] feeling a little bit more of your genuine self was visible to people. And I would love to hear, if you decide to do that, Because I've found the more I am willing to get rid of those "meets expectations" kinds of interactions,
[00:29:56] the more I feel genuinely connected to people around me. And the more that other people feel able to be more of themselves. And as I've been saying all along, it's so worth it. This is too worth it.
[00:30:13] No surprise. So I'd like to wrap up by sending you the very best wishes for your un-Halloweening of your identity. And I can't wait to share the next podcast episode with you, whatever that might look like, in whatever kind of format it ends up being. Who knows at this stage, I do not. I am just flying by the seat of my pants.
[00:30:44] So if you're still enjoying the ride, then I will see you next time. Thank you for expanding with us on Divergent Wisdom Broadcast. We deeply appreciate the contribution of your time and attention to our shared adventure. If today's discussion resonated with you, we'd love to hear your thoughts, revelations, and experiences in the comments. Please take a moment to subscribe and share us with your cosmic crew.
[00:31:18] And remember, We're all made of the same stardust.
