DWB03 - Defeating Your Inner Critic
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[00:00:00] Hello, wonderful rebels. Welcome to this episode of Divergent Wisdom Broadcast. I am very excited to have you here. And I just wanted to say before we jump in that I know
it may feel like false advertising so far to be talking about
I guess self- discovery and development. And
I just wanted to say that [00:01:00] in my experience, it takes some work on yourself to be able to create the space that you need mentally, and time-wise, energy-wise to Have the opportunity to expand and consider some of these super fun, like mind-bending, way out there, expansive ideas and discussions that will be happening here. And I want to intersperse all of those cool things with some of the understandings and developments that I've had over recent years and been working through with other Spicy people in my life, so that you might also have the benefit of that. And be able to bring [00:02:00] that new inspired you to consuming the rest of the content.
So. Please stick with me. I promise it'll be amazing.
And I would just want to say thanks for coming back and joining us this time round. And I hope that you are ready to get real and start talking about how we confront our inner critics. So I just want to,
I guess, give a content warning. There's probably gonna be a lot of swearing.
Probably should have done it the first time. Oh, well, the
chances are this subject is going to include a lot of that. 'cause really, that happens a lot from our inner critic, if you consider the monologue that [00:03:00] happens up there.
So. I don't know about you guys, but
this is another area that can be really insidious and really easy to miss. Because it doesn't ever even occur to you to consider how you talk to yourself. I don't think, maybe some people do? I don't know, I didn't really.
And it wasn't until I had the amazing feedback offered by a coach I was working with, who I call my brain whisperer- I love you so much, by the way. That it really gave me the opportunity to
even notice that it was happening. It's the same as the stories, right? And it's a very fine line. I think I kind of was trying to draw a clear one for myself where the discussion of stories ends, and the thoughts and the inner criticism starts. And I think It's quite a blurred [00:04:00] overlap there. But really I consider it the messaging, the like just continual loop of what's going on in your mind as you move through the day. And I would hazard to guess that if you're neurodivergent, and even if you're not, it's not very nice. It's a matter of fact, it's probably a real jerk,
that voice that's in your head.
And
it is informed and shaped by all of your experiences, and those stories that we were talking about last time.
And
it can be so vile and so horrible. And it's stuff you would never ever say to anybody else. Anybody. Probably not even your worst enemies! But you say it to yourself.
So. That is why I want to talk about it because if you can't be nice to yourself, then
no [00:05:00] wonder we don't expect anyone else to be.
So let's talk about how that plays out. Because I think it Can be really tough to find the end of this thread. It's just so ingrained. And
I know that for me, it was very similar to the stories. You just notice those moments where you're completely worked up. Overwhelmed. Freaking out stressed. Cranky.
Frazzled. Any other number of words. And not only are you likely to have been telling yourself stories, but chances are, you were probably also criticizing the hell out of yourself in the meantime.
And that- I don't know, for me, I don't know anyone else's inner critic, I've only got my own. It was:
That's so lazy.
Did nothing again today.
What a waste of [00:06:00] space.
You're a blob.
No wonder no one wants to spend time with you. No wonder
you find it so awkward to do social things.
Someone else would have done this five years ago, and it's taking you this long to do it. Like, I mean, Any number of things. Like it's really
so hard to even come up with them when you're actively
choosing not to do that. Because it is just so opposite to How I like to treat other people. How you probably like to treat other people.
And it just feels so weird and grating to be saying those things. Because
it's the adage of
if you wouldn't say it to your best friend, child, sibling, whoever,
then why would you say it to yourself?
I know why.
[00:07:00] Why is because that is the messaging we've had. All those stories that we were talking about. And particularly as neurodivergent people.
Ah, here's some research for you. There is some science, look at that!
They have actually shown that neurodivergent kids receive tens of thousands of negative inputs and microaggressions more then their neurotypical peers do growing up.
Tens of thousands of times that you had
that kind of feedback. No wonder we believe those stories and then incorporated them into how we talk to ourselves.
And that's the thing.
Unless you.
I guess forced. Get forced to think about it. Just sorry, it's just going to keep happening.
Because unless you have had the great fortune of understanding that you are [00:08:00] not your thoughts,
then chances are. you've never looked at it.
But that is a one huge truth bomb
that I'm going to go out on the limb and say is true for everybody.
You are not your thoughts.
They're the product of your brain-
your beautiful, wonderful brain; spicy brain-
that
creates them. But they are not you.
You are whoever's here. Observing them. Experiencing them.
Hopefully now challenging them and thinking about whether or not they need to hang around.
But they are not you.
And that simple step back gives you just a little breathing room.
Gives you a chance to go, "Hey. Asshole." That's what I had to do. Often.
Is start getting [00:09:00] sassy, which you know, a natural state for me. But turning the sass back around and telling that inner critic to go and fuck themselves. Because it was necessary
until they learned that that was not okay.
And that takes a whole bunch of practice.
I don't know. Thousands of times a day.
When that happens. Going Nope. Nope. Nuh-Uh, not happening. No. Until finally, those loops start to break. And they stopped running so often.
And then maybe a bit less. And then, that allows a little bit of space for you to start making new ones. And you get to decide what's in those. Because this time, we're doing it with awareness, and conscious decision about what they're going to be. And that's the good stuff.
' cause then,
you get to say all those things that you say to your best friend.
And to your [00:10:00] beloved pets.
And to other humans that you care about.
You get start saying that kind of stuff to yourself.
Wild! I know.
And it gets to be true.
And then you get to start believing it.
Then things start getting real, crazy good.
Because then you start doing that without even having to think about being nice to yourself.
Truth. Promise.
And, you know, You discover new ones, little patterns that you haven't run into in a long time and then discover that critic is still in there. Being an asshole. Still.
But then you have more practice at calling them out. Telling them it's not happening. Deciding what's happening instead.
And it gets a bit easier every time you find a new one. Because then you get better at it.
And
I will preempt the most likely thing to happen. [00:11:00] If you're listening to this thinking, oh yeah, I could probably do that. Maybe. I'll find out. Is that
you will fail. I hate saying fail, because I don't know, it's kind of think it's rubbish, but you will not succeed every time straight away.
This is, unless you're amazing at it, which if you are- fabulous. Easy. Done.
But I'd say for the vast majority, it's going to take practice.
And if you're here hanging out with me,
chances are you are a perfectionist.
You have ridiculously high standards for yourself.
And you don't like not doing things perfectly the very first time you try it.
So I'm just going to warn you right now. Chances Are that's not going to happen. So. Be aware
And also, that is totally fine that it is not perfect the first time. Or the next [00:12:00] time. Or the hundredth time.
Because that's part of our problem and why this happened in the first place.
We need to be okay with things not going exactly as we expect them to.
That's a whole other episode, I think.
So I'll just say in the meantime, Give yourself some grace
as you do it.
Here I am assuming you're going to, because why wouldn't you? Why wouldn't you be nice to yourself?
Why wouldn't you be kind to yourself?
That's even better.
Because nice is nice.
But kindness is genuine.
And that's what you deserve.
Genuine kindness. From your thoughts, to you.
I can see everyone squirming.
Promise.
If you're feeling that might be a thing you could look at,
I will just
offer up what I [00:13:00] started with when I was doing it. Which is the motto, or a mantra, or phrase- whatever you want to call it- of be kind, always.
Pretty simple. It doesn't have to be super elaborate or fancy. Just has to be a thing that is going to be true for you. And something you want to invest in telling yourself over and over.
' cause then,
can move on to bigger stuff.
And you just get to choose whatever feels best for you. It
can include swearing. Clearly I have no problem with that!
Sometimes it takes getting angry at those thoughts that have been so horrible for so long.
And anger is a valid response to that.
So if that's where you are, then absolutely, go for it.
There's no right way to do it. It's what is going [00:14:00] to stick and be something that you use for yourself.
And
there's no timeline. That's the other thing.
Unfortunately, it will not be overnight either. That's the whole practice part. Which, if you are someone with flavors like me in your Spicy mix, then that sounds real boring. And I am so impatient about it. Why can't it be right now? But,
I guess the 'good things come to those who wait' thing? I don't know. But it's not waiting, it's actively- active waiting. Okay. How about that?
Now's probably not the time to get started on the illusion of the passage of time.
a much deeper subject than we are preparing for at the minute.
Let's just say that
We can come up with all sorts of excuses
about why this will [00:15:00] be a challenge and why you don't want to. And.
Why It's too hard.
But
while it may be those things, in my experience, it is also the
critic not wanting to lose their power.
' cause then,
you become a bit unstoppable.
And that is why I think it's worth it.
All right. I think that's enough rambling out of me about this. But I want to double down and encourage you to really consider looking at what your critic is saying to you.
You who is separate from all of those thoughts. That gets to choose if they keep happening.
And
Gets to choose what goes in their place. That gets to be so much nicer, and so much kinder, and so much more loving to you.
Thank you for coming and hanging out with me [00:16:00] on this episode. And I cannot wait for you guys to tune into the next one, because I will be introducing my first guest to you. Until then, I am sending you all the love and stardust
